Some backstory to this collection of poems: In my second year of college, I had a panic attack from a deeply buried and unrealized trauma from my childhood. I was floored by this new understanding, and I continued to have panic attacks. I had just started dating my now husband, and he tried to be supportive, but could only do so much. He more or less gave me an ultimatum: “get professional help or I can’t make any promises.” It was the wake up call I needed – it led me to seek out counseling. And at my therapist’s suggestion, I used my love of writing to help me process what happened to me. Thus, the journey began. It was fraught with emotion and power, and best of all, it truly helped me to start healing.
Y’all are getting the details here because I don’t want there to be any surprises at the content. If you cannot handle it, please don’t read; and if you are in a place where you need help, reach out.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
The Trevor Project Suicide Prevention Line for LGBT Youth: 1-866-488-7386
Content warning: familial abuse (all kinds)
Little Girl
It started with a little girl who had nothing
but light and excitement in her eyes
She just wanted to
make them happy.
to make everyone
happy
And so she never said a word –
not to anyone –
about what he did
He was supposed to
love her,
so this was how
he did it, right?
He loved her
by making her,
by telling her
what to do –
lay down.
be still.
When he got on top of her
with only
a few thin layers
between them,
she held her
breath
She knew
it was wrong, but
it was her job
to make everyone happy,
to make him
happy
and so she listened
when he said –
I need a favor.
lay down.
be still.
this was just how he loved her, right?
Obedient
It began with a simple request: “I
need you to do something” – and the little
girl, so full of trust, listened
She laid on her stomach, face
buried in the pillows – they smelled of
dust and smoke and she struggled
not to cough – as he
climbed atop
her juvenile body…like how they would wrestle, but
different at the same time
Then she felt him move
Slow, rocking motions; his
marginally more developed body rubbing against hers
The old bed frame squeake
ever so slightly with each shift, and
the rhythmic noise held her in a sort of
trance
She did not like this feeling, but told herself
she was just doing her brother
a favor
At first she thought it was just the
one time, but it became so frequent that it was almost a
ritual; and as time
went on, there were fewer layers of clothing
separating their bodies, both still so childlike
Eventually underwear was the sole barrier
The little girl did not like this feeling, but if she ever
tried to say “no” he would become
violent, so time after time, she laid there, stomach
turning, nearly crying into her tent of
pillows, telling herself
she was just doing her brother
a favor
Win-Lose
It stopped so suddenly.
One day, just like all the
others, she lay prone, face shoved
into pillows growing damp with silent tears,
feeling her stomach do
somersaults, again and again like a training gymnast
Then the door opens,
and the little girl’s mother
appears. Faster than her face
can form a question, the brother
jumps off her; and the
details have gotten fuzzy with the flow of time
and the nature of trauma ignored,
but the little girl
had to tell her mother –
no, show her –
what had been happening
That pivotal, yet utterly forgettable
day marked the final time
she laid beneath him,
but it was also the day
things shifted
He yelled more, his deepening voice
bellowing day after day at a single target, and
he started to hit her if she
didn’t listen, if she did not
hastily comply
to his every need
So one phase ended while a more terrifying one began
Heavy, I know. Feel free to share comments, but I will be weeding out any concerning content.
And don’t forget – it’s not shameful to need help or to ask for it:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
The Trevor Project Suicide Prevention Line for LGBT Youth: 1-866-488-7386
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